Holy majoly. This summer has flown by and it's honestly starting to freak me out a little. It's been a while since I've posted anything substantial, but I haven't forgotten. In fact, I have tons to say about my summer job, as well as my trip to see Eric and my time at the beach with my family. All of these stories are in the works, and just as soon as I finally adjust to the current time zone and get over my jet lag I will sit down and get 'em to ya! In the meantime, just a few thoughts (in no particular order):
Hawaii sucks when your boyfriend lives there and you don't.
Being in Hawaii is not compensation for a crappy job where the company treats its employees like pond scum.
I miss having a cat.
Thank God I started keeping a budget.
Gas in Chicago is RIDICULOUS.
I'm more okay with myself now than I was a year ago, including my assets and shortcomings.
My relationship is a lot stronger than I realized.
It's time to invest in a round brush and buy more toothpaste.
Southern accents always make me feel more comfortable.
My sister is freaking awesome.
I'm not quite ready to go back to school just yet.
Stories coming soon!
Friday, August 17, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Party Rolls
This recipe takes about 5 minutes to assemble, 15 to cook, and about 3 to consume. I made these with Eric this past week and they were AMAZING and actually not too terrible on the waistline. This recipe is for one tube of crescent rolls, so just multiply for however many more people you'll be serving. Check it out.
Spinach-Cheese Party Rolls
You'll need:
A tube of crescent rolls
1/4 cup chopped spinach (we used frozen)
1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese sprinkled with garlic powder
(For this recipe we actually used a couple of Laughing Cow garlic and herb cheese wedges--- a nice alternative)
1/2 cup diced tomato (optional)
Lay out your crescents on a cutting board, then top with either your shredded or your spreadable cheese.
Next, sprinkle your spinach onto the rolls. You don't need to cover the entire surface.
Last, top with diced tomatoes. If you are making these even 3 hours ahead of time, I recommend NOT including tomatoes because they can cause the rolls to become soggy. However, you could assemble these and keep them in the fridge until they're ready to bake just before serving, to keep the sogginess at bay!
Place the rolls on a foil-lined baking sheet and bake at 375 for about 15-17 minutes. Use the crescent roll instructions as a starting guide, but be aware that you'll need to bake them a little longer for all the ingredients to cook through. Remove from the oven when they're golden brown on top and enjoy!
To store, place in a paper-towel lined, air-tight container in the fridge and reheat in the oven for 5 minutes before serving.
Spinach-Cheese Party Rolls
You'll need:
A tube of crescent rolls
1/4 cup chopped spinach (we used frozen)
1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese sprinkled with garlic powder
(For this recipe we actually used a couple of Laughing Cow garlic and herb cheese wedges--- a nice alternative)
1/2 cup diced tomato (optional)
Lay out your crescents on a cutting board, then top with either your shredded or your spreadable cheese.
Next, sprinkle your spinach onto the rolls. You don't need to cover the entire surface.
Last, top with diced tomatoes. If you are making these even 3 hours ahead of time, I recommend NOT including tomatoes because they can cause the rolls to become soggy. However, you could assemble these and keep them in the fridge until they're ready to bake just before serving, to keep the sogginess at bay!
Place the rolls on a foil-lined baking sheet and bake at 375 for about 15-17 minutes. Use the crescent roll instructions as a starting guide, but be aware that you'll need to bake them a little longer for all the ingredients to cook through. Remove from the oven when they're golden brown on top and enjoy!
To store, place in a paper-towel lined, air-tight container in the fridge and reheat in the oven for 5 minutes before serving.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
How To Control Life
That's right, folks. I've figured out how to control my own life! Well. Not really. But even better, I've figured out how to create the illusion of controlling my life! It all comes down to bitching about accepting the things you can't change and changing the things you can.
I can't change the fact that Eric is in Hawaii working far away, on a ridiculous schedule, for all but 17 hours each week when he's here with me (IF he makes it home that week).
I can't change the fact that my car is clunky and on its last legs and I can't afford another yet.
I can't change the fact that my life is missing a few pieces I'd hoped would be in place by now.
I can't change the fact that I'm in school in Chicago instead of driving around Norman with the windows down.
But.
I CAN change my hair.
Last night I finally had enough and I decided that if I can't change the big, meaningful things in my life, I sure as hell could change the smaller, less consequential aspects of my person, such as the length of my hair, so I did. I chopped off about 6 1/2 inches into nice, choppy layers. The hair framing my face comes down to just above my collarbone, then it tapers lower from there to about an inch below my shoulder.
I've had longer hair for about 3 years now, so it's nice to make a more drastic change. I feel sporty and trendy and sophisticated, and I'm going to save, like, $0.30 on shampoo!!!
In all seriousness, though, sometimes a small change like this is all it takes for me to feel like things are back in my control, and that's enough to keep me going for another couple of weeks until it's time to re-motivate.
What kinds of things do you do to reinvigorate your life when things are getting rough?
I can't change the fact that Eric is in Hawaii working far away, on a ridiculous schedule, for all but 17 hours each week when he's here with me (IF he makes it home that week).
I can't change the fact that my car is clunky and on its last legs and I can't afford another yet.
I can't change the fact that my life is missing a few pieces I'd hoped would be in place by now.
I can't change the fact that I'm in school in Chicago instead of driving around Norman with the windows down.
But.
I CAN change my hair.
Last night I finally had enough and I decided that if I can't change the big, meaningful things in my life, I sure as hell could change the smaller, less consequential aspects of my person, such as the length of my hair, so I did. I chopped off about 6 1/2 inches into nice, choppy layers. The hair framing my face comes down to just above my collarbone, then it tapers lower from there to about an inch below my shoulder.
I've had longer hair for about 3 years now, so it's nice to make a more drastic change. I feel sporty and trendy and sophisticated, and I'm going to save, like, $0.30 on shampoo!!!
In all seriousness, though, sometimes a small change like this is all it takes for me to feel like things are back in my control, and that's enough to keep me going for another couple of weeks until it's time to re-motivate.
What kinds of things do you do to reinvigorate your life when things are getting rough?
Friday, July 6, 2012
Climbing Trees
As a kid I loved to climb trees. There were a few specific trees that I found my way up into every time I saw them. The tree that used to stand outside my Abuelo and Abuela's house was perfect for climbing. It had narrow, low branches that were just within reach and that were perfect for setting my toes into. I used to climb up that tree while my brother or cousins climbed up the other tree on the opposite side of the driveway. We would go up high, listen as the trains rumbled through the neighborhood, and then shimmy down and keep playing whatever game we had paused.
I don't climb trees anymore, although now that I think about it I can't come up with a single good reason not to. I should probably give myself permission to access my inner child again and just climb a tree! The trees in my life these days are more metaphorical. In fact, lately I have been climbing a pretty big tree, a new tree. I'm not quite ready to talk about details just yet. This is something I'm doing for me. But I can tell you, I'm about to step out onto a branch without anything below me to catch my fall. It's terrifying, and I keep fighting the urge to walk back toward the trunk and go down a little ways. But the view from this new branch is incredible and I know that if I just walk out a little further, everything will soon become clear.
Stay tuned.
I don't climb trees anymore, although now that I think about it I can't come up with a single good reason not to. I should probably give myself permission to access my inner child again and just climb a tree! The trees in my life these days are more metaphorical. In fact, lately I have been climbing a pretty big tree, a new tree. I'm not quite ready to talk about details just yet. This is something I'm doing for me. But I can tell you, I'm about to step out onto a branch without anything below me to catch my fall. It's terrifying, and I keep fighting the urge to walk back toward the trunk and go down a little ways. But the view from this new branch is incredible and I know that if I just walk out a little further, everything will soon become clear.
Stay tuned.
Friday, June 29, 2012
TMI
I don't usually talk about these issues publicly, for a number of reasons. One is that I don't like it when I share a part of myself and someone takes it the wrong way or forms a blanket judgment of me as a person based on only one part of who I really am. I ask that when you read this, you'll appreciate that this is only one piece of me. Another is that my history is inevitably intertwined with others' and I feel a responsibility to respect their privacy when sharing my story. However, years of being quiet do not erase reality, and as it is my life, too, I feel that it is alright to share it here.
I like to knit and share recipes and organizational tips, etc. That's one side of who I am. That's the side of myself I've tried to embrace and cultivate over the last year or so because that's the healthy side of me. It's the side that can be happy and appreciate simplicity and enjoy life. I also have an ambitious side that is most easily seen in the way I conduct myself on campus and in the classroom-- I don't like to be anything but perfect in the the classroom. In fact, part of my identity is being perfect in the classroom. It's an identity that I clung to as a kid and I never really could let it go as an adult.
But I also have a side that I'm not so proud of, that I don't usually talk about with strangers, and that most people may not understand. I have a side of myself that is mangled with anxiety and depression, a combination that leaves me hyperventilating one minute, and then unable to speak the next. I can easily transform from perfectly content to absolutely hopeless in a matter of minutes. And I've been doing it since I was 11 years old.
I don't know how to talk about my depression and anxiety from an objective standpoint, and I don't know how to talk about it when it's happening until it gets to a point where I have to talk about it to save my own life. I don't know how to ask for help, and I have trouble accepting it when it's given. I tend to wait until it's a matter of survival, for a number of reasons.
I grew up in an environment that was emotionally unpredictable and, technically, emotionally abusive. I have made peace with that environment in many ways, and I have maintained and nurtured the relationships which were damaged from it-- but the scars don't just fade away. Almost every romantic relationship I've had has been colored with emotional instability, psychological instability, and volatile endings. In the last couple of years I have actively worked to get beyond my upbringing and to try to stop letting the past affect my present. In most ways I have been successful, but it has always been a hard fight.
The largest area that still needs a lot of work is learning how to trust anyone when I am struggling with my depression. Those are the moments where I am 100% vulnerable, and if I judge the person to be anything less than genuine or concerned, I throw my walls up and I shut myself off. In split seconds, I either reach across the gap and create a place where I can have a much needed healthy conversation about what is going on with me, or I feel threatened and, shaped by my upbringing, I shut myself off and push the other person away to stay safe. It's a survival mechanism I learned early in life and it's the one that has been the most difficult to shed.
You see, when the anxiety sets in, there is no more rational thought. That's one of the hardest concepts for people to grasp when they don't struggle with a mental illness themselves. To them, the solution is simple: "Calm down and think it through, take a breath and move on. Just be happy." Unfortunately, that's not how it works. Not for me.
For me, anxiety and depression happen like this: There is usually a warning sign somewhere in the 7 days before I head for a bad time. Somehow, in those days, I have a feeling that tells me that something is coming up, and to get ready. In this way, I am never surprised by my depression-- I always feel it coming, but I can never seem to stop it. There is a trigger; sometimes it's a fight, sometimes it's a memory, sometimes it's just a slow day that leaves me feeling off. The second the depression sinks in, there's a moment of anxiety. I start to feel my heart race, I start to feel my thoughts race, and there is no such thing as being able to calm down, because I literally can't even figure out what I'm thinking. I can't process, so I can't talk it out. All I can do is breathe way too fast and start crying, start feeling hopeless, and start panicking that I'll never be okay again.
Once the waves of anxiety subside and I manage to calm down, the depression sinks in like a slow rising tide. I know that eventually it will go away, but not before it comes to its peak. And from there I just have to ride it out. It's a pattern that I have experienced for years, and it's a pattern that is hell on me. Fortunately, these moments have started to happen further and further apart; I usually only go through a bad time every few months instead of every month. Isn't it strange that "every few months" of depression is a good thing, relatively speaking?
I don't know how to ask for help. All I know how to do, all I am capable of doing at this point in my life is to tell someone that I'm not okay, and let them offer me help. I can let them ask questions, I can let them call me and usually that's all it takes for me to feel like I can talk about it. One day I will be able to reach out, but for now I'm just working on tearing down my walls.
I like to knit and share recipes and organizational tips, etc. That's one side of who I am. That's the side of myself I've tried to embrace and cultivate over the last year or so because that's the healthy side of me. It's the side that can be happy and appreciate simplicity and enjoy life. I also have an ambitious side that is most easily seen in the way I conduct myself on campus and in the classroom-- I don't like to be anything but perfect in the the classroom. In fact, part of my identity is being perfect in the classroom. It's an identity that I clung to as a kid and I never really could let it go as an adult.
But I also have a side that I'm not so proud of, that I don't usually talk about with strangers, and that most people may not understand. I have a side of myself that is mangled with anxiety and depression, a combination that leaves me hyperventilating one minute, and then unable to speak the next. I can easily transform from perfectly content to absolutely hopeless in a matter of minutes. And I've been doing it since I was 11 years old.
I don't know how to talk about my depression and anxiety from an objective standpoint, and I don't know how to talk about it when it's happening until it gets to a point where I have to talk about it to save my own life. I don't know how to ask for help, and I have trouble accepting it when it's given. I tend to wait until it's a matter of survival, for a number of reasons.
I grew up in an environment that was emotionally unpredictable and, technically, emotionally abusive. I have made peace with that environment in many ways, and I have maintained and nurtured the relationships which were damaged from it-- but the scars don't just fade away. Almost every romantic relationship I've had has been colored with emotional instability, psychological instability, and volatile endings. In the last couple of years I have actively worked to get beyond my upbringing and to try to stop letting the past affect my present. In most ways I have been successful, but it has always been a hard fight.
The largest area that still needs a lot of work is learning how to trust anyone when I am struggling with my depression. Those are the moments where I am 100% vulnerable, and if I judge the person to be anything less than genuine or concerned, I throw my walls up and I shut myself off. In split seconds, I either reach across the gap and create a place where I can have a much needed healthy conversation about what is going on with me, or I feel threatened and, shaped by my upbringing, I shut myself off and push the other person away to stay safe. It's a survival mechanism I learned early in life and it's the one that has been the most difficult to shed.
You see, when the anxiety sets in, there is no more rational thought. That's one of the hardest concepts for people to grasp when they don't struggle with a mental illness themselves. To them, the solution is simple: "Calm down and think it through, take a breath and move on. Just be happy." Unfortunately, that's not how it works. Not for me.
For me, anxiety and depression happen like this: There is usually a warning sign somewhere in the 7 days before I head for a bad time. Somehow, in those days, I have a feeling that tells me that something is coming up, and to get ready. In this way, I am never surprised by my depression-- I always feel it coming, but I can never seem to stop it. There is a trigger; sometimes it's a fight, sometimes it's a memory, sometimes it's just a slow day that leaves me feeling off. The second the depression sinks in, there's a moment of anxiety. I start to feel my heart race, I start to feel my thoughts race, and there is no such thing as being able to calm down, because I literally can't even figure out what I'm thinking. I can't process, so I can't talk it out. All I can do is breathe way too fast and start crying, start feeling hopeless, and start panicking that I'll never be okay again.
Once the waves of anxiety subside and I manage to calm down, the depression sinks in like a slow rising tide. I know that eventually it will go away, but not before it comes to its peak. And from there I just have to ride it out. It's a pattern that I have experienced for years, and it's a pattern that is hell on me. Fortunately, these moments have started to happen further and further apart; I usually only go through a bad time every few months instead of every month. Isn't it strange that "every few months" of depression is a good thing, relatively speaking?
I don't know how to ask for help. All I know how to do, all I am capable of doing at this point in my life is to tell someone that I'm not okay, and let them offer me help. I can let them ask questions, I can let them call me and usually that's all it takes for me to feel like I can talk about it. One day I will be able to reach out, but for now I'm just working on tearing down my walls.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Summer Schedule, Summer Recipes
This summer I have been working as a teacher for the Institute of Reading Development. I teach 9 classes a week, with students who range from kindergarteners to adults who are wanting to tune up their reading skills. It's probably one of the coolest things I've ever done and it is absolutely exhausting! As I wander through this job, learning how to tweak my teaching and learning how to practice my patience, I'm also having to learn how to adjust my eating schedule. Several times a week I walk through my front door no earlier than 10:00 p.m. and it has been pretty tricky trying to figure out what to eat and how much to eat at this weird hour.
What I've come up with so far are recipes that I can make in bulk and just eat as I need. So whether it's a plateful or just a few forkfuls, the leftovers in my fridge are ready to be consumed. I'm also trying to balance these new recipes against a tight budget, so I'm also having to access my creative side and use what's already in the house to come up with delicious, nutritious meals.
Tonight I made pasta that was full of veggies, light on chicken, and doused in flavor. It had chicken, mushrooms, onions, tomatoes, spinach, and garlic, all in a buttery white wine sauce. Here is my recipe below, enough to make at least two meals worth of leftovers.
First, boil enough pasta (I used spaghetti) for two or three servings. As the pasta cooks, set a chicken breast in a skillet with a little olive oil. Saute the chicken with a little white wine (I used Chardonnay).
While the chicken and pasta cook, chop up about a cup of onions, two cloves of garlic, and a large handful of mushrooms. Toss those into another skillet along with about 1/2 cup chicken broth. While the vegetables start to simmer, cut up some cherry tomatoes into small pieces and set aside. If you are using frozen spinach, add it to the pan. If you're using fresh chopped spinach set it to the side.
Be sure to flip the chicken so both sides get nice a golden brown. Check your veggies: add about 1/4 cup white wine and two pats of butter to the pan. When the pasta is done, drain it and set aside. When the chicken is done, cut it into small chunks.
When your veggies are about done, toss in the spinach and tomatoes for just about 1 minute so they don't get too mushy.
When everything is cooked, toss the pasta and chicken into the skillet and toss to coat. Serve hot on a plate and put the leftovers away to enjoy later! I know I will!
What I've come up with so far are recipes that I can make in bulk and just eat as I need. So whether it's a plateful or just a few forkfuls, the leftovers in my fridge are ready to be consumed. I'm also trying to balance these new recipes against a tight budget, so I'm also having to access my creative side and use what's already in the house to come up with delicious, nutritious meals.
Tonight I made pasta that was full of veggies, light on chicken, and doused in flavor. It had chicken, mushrooms, onions, tomatoes, spinach, and garlic, all in a buttery white wine sauce. Here is my recipe below, enough to make at least two meals worth of leftovers.
First, boil enough pasta (I used spaghetti) for two or three servings. As the pasta cooks, set a chicken breast in a skillet with a little olive oil. Saute the chicken with a little white wine (I used Chardonnay).
While the chicken and pasta cook, chop up about a cup of onions, two cloves of garlic, and a large handful of mushrooms. Toss those into another skillet along with about 1/2 cup chicken broth. While the vegetables start to simmer, cut up some cherry tomatoes into small pieces and set aside. If you are using frozen spinach, add it to the pan. If you're using fresh chopped spinach set it to the side.
Be sure to flip the chicken so both sides get nice a golden brown. Check your veggies: add about 1/4 cup white wine and two pats of butter to the pan. When the pasta is done, drain it and set aside. When the chicken is done, cut it into small chunks.
When your veggies are about done, toss in the spinach and tomatoes for just about 1 minute so they don't get too mushy.
When everything is cooked, toss the pasta and chicken into the skillet and toss to coat. Serve hot on a plate and put the leftovers away to enjoy later! I know I will!
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
My Big Fat Cuban Sandwich Weekend
This weekend, for the first time in 2 weeks, I'll get to see Eric. He's flying home from Hawaii for just over one day, and I've already planned out what we'll eat, what we'll do, and I've already started counting down the hours. This job in Hawaii has been really tough for us. Adjusting to not only being apart, but managing different schedules in different time zones has been a challenge as well. Though we've been working our hardest to stay positive, I won't lie-- it has sucked.
So when Eric told me to expect him home Saturday night, I started thinking about the weekend right away. Here's what we have lined up:
I teach 3 classes Saturday out North of the city until about 5:00. I'll head home, freshen up, and heat up some homemade Cuban sandwiches (recipe below) for a late-night dinner. Since Eric will be flying from 5:00 in the morning his time (which is 10:00 a.m. here) until about 10:00 p.m. when he lands at O'Hare, he'll be hungry!
Sunday I teach another 3 classes just outside the city, and Eric is going to tag along and hang out in the building while I teach, and we'll get to enjoy breakfast and the drive together, as well as check in outside the room in between classes. Thank goodness for iPads, otherwise I'm pretty sure he would literally lose his pulse from being bored. Then Sunday night I plan to fatten him up with a dinner of honey mustard chicken cutlets, macaroni and cheese, and sauteed squash. I have to make sure he eats right when he's here!
Monday morning will be the hard part-- we'll head back to the airport so he can catch a flight back to Hawaii to start another week of work. But I'll be sending him home with some homemade zucchini bread and chocolate chip muffins, and any other stuff I can fit into his bag.
I can't wait to hang out with my best friend, and I'm so excited to have an excuse to cook and bake some fancy stuff. Because seriously, when he's gone, my dinners deteriorate into combinations like Spaghettios and chips and salsa. This visit will be good for us both!
*****
To make a batch of Cuban sandwiches, you'll need:
Bollios (rolls)
boneless pork chops (A little less messy than slow-cooking the pork, but you can do that, too!)
cuban marinade-- I use Goya's Mojo marinade
ham
provolone cheese
butter
pickles
sliced onion
First, marinate your chops for at least 2 hours in at least 1 1/2 cups of marinade. You want to make sure the pork has enough time to really soak up the flavor! Once you're ready to start cooking, preheat your oven to 350.
Cook your pork chops with the leftover marinade and some sliced onions in a skillet over medium heat. Pull the onions when they just start to soften.
Then, slice the chops into thin slices of pork. Cut the rolls in half and butter both insides. Place the pork, a couple of slices of deli-sliced ham, and a slice of provolone cheese inside. Cover with some of the onions. Add a couple of pickles and pop into the oven for about 5-7 minutes, just enough time for the cheese to melt.
Pull the sandwiches, mush them flat a little bit, and take a bite-- then enjoy having your life changed forever!
Suggestion: Wash your sandwich down with a Jupina, a pineapple soda. It's THE best combination you could ever find!
So when Eric told me to expect him home Saturday night, I started thinking about the weekend right away. Here's what we have lined up:
I teach 3 classes Saturday out North of the city until about 5:00. I'll head home, freshen up, and heat up some homemade Cuban sandwiches (recipe below) for a late-night dinner. Since Eric will be flying from 5:00 in the morning his time (which is 10:00 a.m. here) until about 10:00 p.m. when he lands at O'Hare, he'll be hungry!
Sunday I teach another 3 classes just outside the city, and Eric is going to tag along and hang out in the building while I teach, and we'll get to enjoy breakfast and the drive together, as well as check in outside the room in between classes. Thank goodness for iPads, otherwise I'm pretty sure he would literally lose his pulse from being bored. Then Sunday night I plan to fatten him up with a dinner of honey mustard chicken cutlets, macaroni and cheese, and sauteed squash. I have to make sure he eats right when he's here!
Monday morning will be the hard part-- we'll head back to the airport so he can catch a flight back to Hawaii to start another week of work. But I'll be sending him home with some homemade zucchini bread and chocolate chip muffins, and any other stuff I can fit into his bag.
I can't wait to hang out with my best friend, and I'm so excited to have an excuse to cook and bake some fancy stuff. Because seriously, when he's gone, my dinners deteriorate into combinations like Spaghettios and chips and salsa. This visit will be good for us both!
*****
To make a batch of Cuban sandwiches, you'll need:
Bollios (rolls)
boneless pork chops (A little less messy than slow-cooking the pork, but you can do that, too!)
cuban marinade-- I use Goya's Mojo marinade
ham
provolone cheese
butter
pickles
sliced onion
First, marinate your chops for at least 2 hours in at least 1 1/2 cups of marinade. You want to make sure the pork has enough time to really soak up the flavor! Once you're ready to start cooking, preheat your oven to 350.
Cook your pork chops with the leftover marinade and some sliced onions in a skillet over medium heat. Pull the onions when they just start to soften.
Then, slice the chops into thin slices of pork. Cut the rolls in half and butter both insides. Place the pork, a couple of slices of deli-sliced ham, and a slice of provolone cheese inside. Cover with some of the onions. Add a couple of pickles and pop into the oven for about 5-7 minutes, just enough time for the cheese to melt.
Pull the sandwiches, mush them flat a little bit, and take a bite-- then enjoy having your life changed forever!
Suggestion: Wash your sandwich down with a Jupina, a pineapple soda. It's THE best combination you could ever find!
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