A year ago I was getting ready to
graduate from college and I was very busy trying to rationalize my
way out of moving to Chicago for graduate school. The thought of
being so far away from anyone I knew, of being without my car, of not
knowing if it was the right choice for me... the thought of being
completely on my own, without a lifeline nearby was terrifying.
As it turns out, this past year was
super easy!
Just kidding, it was actually really
freaking tough, for a number of reasons. Big reasons, each following
after the other without very much time in between. But instead of
listing all of the obstacles I've encountered and focusing on the
negative, I think I'll take a different route. I mean, after all,
I've already experienced each thing once, so there is no point in
experiencing it here again.
Instead, I want to focus on what I've
learned about myself from these experiences. I want to focus on the
growth and positivity that can come from some of the most difficult
challenges life can throw at a person. Here is what I've learned:
1. I am not as brave and independent as
I thought I was-- and I'm sort of okay with that. I used to think
that depending on others made me weaker or less capable of being
myself. But now I realize that in certain ways, I can't be myself if
I'm alone. There are parts of my personality and happiness that come
alive through my relationships with other people, and if I'm trying
to navigate life alone, I'm navigating without a part of myself.
2. I live my life day by day--
literally. I can't survive without a calendar. This year has been
full of classes and travel and appointments and meetings, and it's
also been full of a lot of life planning. There was one point this
year that I was freaking out about a situation I won't face until 5
years from now, and Eric asked me if maybe I could tone it down and
only plan 2 years in advance. I've learned that I can deal with 2
years of planning, I don't need 5. I've learned how to go from
planning the next 5 years to dreaming and wondering about the next 5
years. And what's cool about this, is that now I'm not locking myself
into my future; instead, I'm leaving my future open and I still know
what I want. And when something changes, I'm not destined to have an
anxiety attack.
3. I want a home life. I want a career
and I want to be a professional woman with a nice salary, but I
really want a home life. In the last year I have started feeling the
tugging on my heartstrings for a home and a garden and a dog and some
kids at some point. I have learned that I'm ready to have a real
marriage and I'm ready to do what is necessary to make a marriage
work. I want to start building a life with another person and see
where that adventure takes us.
4. I am a good cook. This year I've
been working hard to save money and that has meant cooking at home; I
love cooking. There is something about creating something delicious
that just warms my soul. I love coming up with new dishes and sharing
them with others. I love making Eric's favorite meal when he comes
home after a long trip and seeing him relax after the first bite. I
love making dinner for my family in Dallas and seeing my mom enjoy
having someone else do the work and clean up. I love being able to
forget about whatever is bothering me while I slice and simmer, and I
come out of the kitchen feeling refreshed, after accomplishing
something.
5. I have learned that I still have a
lot of growing to do. Looking back to last year, I can already see
how much I have grown and changed both personally and professionally.
Every time I think I have it figured out, I learn something new. I
can now see that I will always have something to learn, something to
change, and I look forward to finding out what those things are
throughout the course of my life.
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