A Little "Work" for Love

Being in a relationship with anyone is hard work; it takes maintenance, patience, commitment, and creativity. It also requires being tuned in to your partner's needs and wants. Being in a relationship with a pilot who is home only 2 days a week (on a regular week) is even more challenging! The added obstacle of distance can certainly present its own set of complications and difficulties, ranging from limited communication to just plain loneliness.

Eric and I are blessed to consider ourselves not only partners in a relationship, but best friends as well. We also tend to talk a lot more than normal couples, usually for a few hours every day, cumulatively. We've been together for a long time and are very familiar with each others' expectations and needs, as well as each others' gifts and special traits. But even with all of these things going for us, we still have to “show up” to our relationship every day and put in the time and effort to make it the wonderful thing that it is.

One of the ways that we work on our relationship (“work” meaning purposefully doing things for the strength and stability of our relationship) is by taking time at the beginning of each week to ask a few questions. I found this idea on Pinterest and I'm SO glad we tried it out. Here is what we ask each other:

1. What did I do this past week to make you feel loved and encouraged?
2. What does this week look like for you?
3. What can I do this week to make you feel loved and encouraged?
4. What can I do this week physically to make you feel loved and encouraged?
5. How can I pray for you this week?

We each take turns asking each other the questions and answering until we make it all the way to number 5. These questions are so simple, yet they are so powerful.

Question 1 gives us a chance to praise one another for things we appreciate-- very important! This starts us off on a good note and it gives us a chance to remind ourselves of how great the other person is.

Question 2 allows us to share what's coming schedule-wise with the other person. If I have a hectic Wednesday, Eric will know about it and that way he can understand why I may not be in the best mood that day. Being open about what's going on helps us mentally prepare for our needs and the needs of each other.

Question 3 literally makes us prepare ourselves for the other person's needs. It's also great because it gives us both a chance to explicitly ask for whatever it is we want to see from the other person, whether that means asking for patience on a particular day, a phone call, or even asking the other person to remember to do X, Y, Z so that we can focus on our stuff. Eric and I are not mind-readers, so asking each other for things out loud is a great way to avoid misunderstandings and unrealistic expectations.

Question 4 is certainly intimate, but again, it allows us to ask for what we need. On weeks like this week where we aren't actually going to get to see one another, this question reminds us to set a FaceTime date so that we can at least see each other on the screen and feel closer.

Question 5 helps us remember that we are not in this alone; God is always a part of our lives, and therefore a part of our relationship. Including Him in our relationship in an active way helps us to connect on a much more significant level, and it helps us to appreciate one another in a deeper way.

Eric and I ask each other these questions every Sunday, regardless of whether our weeks have been going well. On easy weeks, these questions are usually accompanied by a lot of joking and laughter. On weeks when it's been a little tougher, these weeks allow us to be vulnerable and honest with each other in a safe way, where we can speak to what we love and need from each other without arguing or belittling one another.

I recommend these questions to anyone in a relationship. It's a lovely routine to have and a terrific way to keep the lines of communication open, both between you and your partner and you, your partner, and God. Try it out and you'll see what I mean!