I don't usually talk about these issues publicly, for a number of reasons. One is that I don't like it when I share a part of myself and someone takes it the wrong way or forms a blanket judgment of me as a person based on only one part of who I really am. I ask that when you read this, you'll appreciate that this is only one piece of me. Another is that my history is inevitably intertwined with others' and I feel a responsibility to respect their privacy when sharing my story. However, years of being quiet do not erase reality, and as it is my life, too, I feel that it is alright to share it here.
I like to knit and share recipes and organizational tips, etc. That's one side of who I am. That's the side of myself I've tried to embrace and cultivate over the last year or so because that's the healthy side of me. It's the side that can be happy and appreciate simplicity and enjoy life. I also have an ambitious side that is most easily seen in the way I conduct myself on campus and in the classroom-- I don't like to be anything but perfect in the the classroom. In fact, part of my identity is being perfect in the classroom. It's an identity that I clung to as a kid and I never really could let it go as an adult.
But I also have a side that I'm not so proud of, that I don't usually talk about with strangers, and that most people may not understand. I have a side of myself that is mangled with anxiety and depression, a combination that leaves me hyperventilating one minute, and then unable to speak the next. I can easily transform from perfectly content to absolutely hopeless in a matter of minutes. And I've been doing it since I was 11 years old.
I don't know how to talk about my depression and anxiety from an objective standpoint, and I don't know how to talk about it when it's happening until it gets to a point where I have to talk about it to save my own life. I don't know how to ask for help, and I have trouble accepting it when it's given. I tend to wait until it's a matter of survival, for a number of reasons.
I grew up in an environment that was emotionally unpredictable and, technically, emotionally abusive. I have made peace with that environment in many ways, and I have maintained and nurtured the relationships which were damaged from it-- but the scars don't just fade away. Almost every romantic relationship I've had has been colored with emotional instability, psychological instability, and volatile endings. In the last couple of years I have actively worked to get beyond my upbringing and to try to stop letting the past affect my present. In most ways I have been successful, but it has always been a hard fight.
The largest area that still needs a lot of work is learning how to trust anyone when I am struggling with my depression. Those are the moments where I am 100% vulnerable, and if I judge the person to be anything less than genuine or concerned, I throw my walls up and I shut myself off. In split seconds, I either reach across the gap and create a place where I can have a much needed healthy conversation about what is going on with me, or I feel threatened and, shaped by my upbringing, I shut myself off and push the other person away to stay safe. It's a survival mechanism I learned early in life and it's the one that has been the most difficult to shed.
You see, when the anxiety sets in, there is no more rational thought. That's one of the hardest concepts for people to grasp when they don't struggle with a mental illness themselves. To them, the solution is simple: "Calm down and think it through, take a breath and move on. Just be happy." Unfortunately, that's not how it works. Not for me.
For me, anxiety and depression happen like this: There is usually a warning sign somewhere in the 7 days before I head for a bad time. Somehow, in those days, I have a feeling that tells me that something is coming up, and to get ready. In this way, I am never surprised by my depression-- I always feel it coming, but I can never seem to stop it. There is a trigger; sometimes it's a fight, sometimes it's a memory, sometimes it's just a slow day that leaves me feeling off. The second the depression sinks in, there's a moment of anxiety. I start to feel my heart race, I start to feel my thoughts race, and there is no such thing as being able to calm down, because I literally can't even figure out what I'm thinking. I can't process, so I can't talk it out. All I can do is breathe way too fast and start crying, start feeling hopeless, and start panicking that I'll never be okay again.
Once the waves of anxiety subside and I manage to calm down, the depression sinks in like a slow rising tide. I know that eventually it will go away, but not before it comes to its peak. And from there I just have to ride it out. It's a pattern that I have experienced for years, and it's a pattern that is hell on me. Fortunately, these moments have started to happen further and further apart; I usually only go through a bad time every few months instead of every month. Isn't it strange that "every few months" of depression is a good thing, relatively speaking?
I don't know how to ask for help. All I know how to do, all I am capable of doing at this point in my life is to tell someone that I'm not okay, and let them offer me help. I can let them ask questions, I can let them call me and usually that's all it takes for me to feel like I can talk about it. One day I will be able to reach out, but for now I'm just working on tearing down my walls.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Summer Schedule, Summer Recipes
This summer I have been working as a teacher for the Institute of Reading Development. I teach 9 classes a week, with students who range from kindergarteners to adults who are wanting to tune up their reading skills. It's probably one of the coolest things I've ever done and it is absolutely exhausting! As I wander through this job, learning how to tweak my teaching and learning how to practice my patience, I'm also having to learn how to adjust my eating schedule. Several times a week I walk through my front door no earlier than 10:00 p.m. and it has been pretty tricky trying to figure out what to eat and how much to eat at this weird hour.
What I've come up with so far are recipes that I can make in bulk and just eat as I need. So whether it's a plateful or just a few forkfuls, the leftovers in my fridge are ready to be consumed. I'm also trying to balance these new recipes against a tight budget, so I'm also having to access my creative side and use what's already in the house to come up with delicious, nutritious meals.
Tonight I made pasta that was full of veggies, light on chicken, and doused in flavor. It had chicken, mushrooms, onions, tomatoes, spinach, and garlic, all in a buttery white wine sauce. Here is my recipe below, enough to make at least two meals worth of leftovers.
First, boil enough pasta (I used spaghetti) for two or three servings. As the pasta cooks, set a chicken breast in a skillet with a little olive oil. Saute the chicken with a little white wine (I used Chardonnay).
While the chicken and pasta cook, chop up about a cup of onions, two cloves of garlic, and a large handful of mushrooms. Toss those into another skillet along with about 1/2 cup chicken broth. While the vegetables start to simmer, cut up some cherry tomatoes into small pieces and set aside. If you are using frozen spinach, add it to the pan. If you're using fresh chopped spinach set it to the side.
Be sure to flip the chicken so both sides get nice a golden brown. Check your veggies: add about 1/4 cup white wine and two pats of butter to the pan. When the pasta is done, drain it and set aside. When the chicken is done, cut it into small chunks.
When your veggies are about done, toss in the spinach and tomatoes for just about 1 minute so they don't get too mushy.
When everything is cooked, toss the pasta and chicken into the skillet and toss to coat. Serve hot on a plate and put the leftovers away to enjoy later! I know I will!
What I've come up with so far are recipes that I can make in bulk and just eat as I need. So whether it's a plateful or just a few forkfuls, the leftovers in my fridge are ready to be consumed. I'm also trying to balance these new recipes against a tight budget, so I'm also having to access my creative side and use what's already in the house to come up with delicious, nutritious meals.
Tonight I made pasta that was full of veggies, light on chicken, and doused in flavor. It had chicken, mushrooms, onions, tomatoes, spinach, and garlic, all in a buttery white wine sauce. Here is my recipe below, enough to make at least two meals worth of leftovers.
First, boil enough pasta (I used spaghetti) for two or three servings. As the pasta cooks, set a chicken breast in a skillet with a little olive oil. Saute the chicken with a little white wine (I used Chardonnay).
While the chicken and pasta cook, chop up about a cup of onions, two cloves of garlic, and a large handful of mushrooms. Toss those into another skillet along with about 1/2 cup chicken broth. While the vegetables start to simmer, cut up some cherry tomatoes into small pieces and set aside. If you are using frozen spinach, add it to the pan. If you're using fresh chopped spinach set it to the side.
Be sure to flip the chicken so both sides get nice a golden brown. Check your veggies: add about 1/4 cup white wine and two pats of butter to the pan. When the pasta is done, drain it and set aside. When the chicken is done, cut it into small chunks.
When your veggies are about done, toss in the spinach and tomatoes for just about 1 minute so they don't get too mushy.
When everything is cooked, toss the pasta and chicken into the skillet and toss to coat. Serve hot on a plate and put the leftovers away to enjoy later! I know I will!
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
My Big Fat Cuban Sandwich Weekend
This weekend, for the first time in 2 weeks, I'll get to see Eric. He's flying home from Hawaii for just over one day, and I've already planned out what we'll eat, what we'll do, and I've already started counting down the hours. This job in Hawaii has been really tough for us. Adjusting to not only being apart, but managing different schedules in different time zones has been a challenge as well. Though we've been working our hardest to stay positive, I won't lie-- it has sucked.
So when Eric told me to expect him home Saturday night, I started thinking about the weekend right away. Here's what we have lined up:
I teach 3 classes Saturday out North of the city until about 5:00. I'll head home, freshen up, and heat up some homemade Cuban sandwiches (recipe below) for a late-night dinner. Since Eric will be flying from 5:00 in the morning his time (which is 10:00 a.m. here) until about 10:00 p.m. when he lands at O'Hare, he'll be hungry!
Sunday I teach another 3 classes just outside the city, and Eric is going to tag along and hang out in the building while I teach, and we'll get to enjoy breakfast and the drive together, as well as check in outside the room in between classes. Thank goodness for iPads, otherwise I'm pretty sure he would literally lose his pulse from being bored. Then Sunday night I plan to fatten him up with a dinner of honey mustard chicken cutlets, macaroni and cheese, and sauteed squash. I have to make sure he eats right when he's here!
Monday morning will be the hard part-- we'll head back to the airport so he can catch a flight back to Hawaii to start another week of work. But I'll be sending him home with some homemade zucchini bread and chocolate chip muffins, and any other stuff I can fit into his bag.
I can't wait to hang out with my best friend, and I'm so excited to have an excuse to cook and bake some fancy stuff. Because seriously, when he's gone, my dinners deteriorate into combinations like Spaghettios and chips and salsa. This visit will be good for us both!
*****
To make a batch of Cuban sandwiches, you'll need:
Bollios (rolls)
boneless pork chops (A little less messy than slow-cooking the pork, but you can do that, too!)
cuban marinade-- I use Goya's Mojo marinade
ham
provolone cheese
butter
pickles
sliced onion
First, marinate your chops for at least 2 hours in at least 1 1/2 cups of marinade. You want to make sure the pork has enough time to really soak up the flavor! Once you're ready to start cooking, preheat your oven to 350.
Cook your pork chops with the leftover marinade and some sliced onions in a skillet over medium heat. Pull the onions when they just start to soften.
Then, slice the chops into thin slices of pork. Cut the rolls in half and butter both insides. Place the pork, a couple of slices of deli-sliced ham, and a slice of provolone cheese inside. Cover with some of the onions. Add a couple of pickles and pop into the oven for about 5-7 minutes, just enough time for the cheese to melt.
Pull the sandwiches, mush them flat a little bit, and take a bite-- then enjoy having your life changed forever!
Suggestion: Wash your sandwich down with a Jupina, a pineapple soda. It's THE best combination you could ever find!
So when Eric told me to expect him home Saturday night, I started thinking about the weekend right away. Here's what we have lined up:
I teach 3 classes Saturday out North of the city until about 5:00. I'll head home, freshen up, and heat up some homemade Cuban sandwiches (recipe below) for a late-night dinner. Since Eric will be flying from 5:00 in the morning his time (which is 10:00 a.m. here) until about 10:00 p.m. when he lands at O'Hare, he'll be hungry!
Sunday I teach another 3 classes just outside the city, and Eric is going to tag along and hang out in the building while I teach, and we'll get to enjoy breakfast and the drive together, as well as check in outside the room in between classes. Thank goodness for iPads, otherwise I'm pretty sure he would literally lose his pulse from being bored. Then Sunday night I plan to fatten him up with a dinner of honey mustard chicken cutlets, macaroni and cheese, and sauteed squash. I have to make sure he eats right when he's here!
Monday morning will be the hard part-- we'll head back to the airport so he can catch a flight back to Hawaii to start another week of work. But I'll be sending him home with some homemade zucchini bread and chocolate chip muffins, and any other stuff I can fit into his bag.
I can't wait to hang out with my best friend, and I'm so excited to have an excuse to cook and bake some fancy stuff. Because seriously, when he's gone, my dinners deteriorate into combinations like Spaghettios and chips and salsa. This visit will be good for us both!
*****
To make a batch of Cuban sandwiches, you'll need:
Bollios (rolls)
boneless pork chops (A little less messy than slow-cooking the pork, but you can do that, too!)
cuban marinade-- I use Goya's Mojo marinade
ham
provolone cheese
butter
pickles
sliced onion
First, marinate your chops for at least 2 hours in at least 1 1/2 cups of marinade. You want to make sure the pork has enough time to really soak up the flavor! Once you're ready to start cooking, preheat your oven to 350.
Cook your pork chops with the leftover marinade and some sliced onions in a skillet over medium heat. Pull the onions when they just start to soften.
Then, slice the chops into thin slices of pork. Cut the rolls in half and butter both insides. Place the pork, a couple of slices of deli-sliced ham, and a slice of provolone cheese inside. Cover with some of the onions. Add a couple of pickles and pop into the oven for about 5-7 minutes, just enough time for the cheese to melt.
Pull the sandwiches, mush them flat a little bit, and take a bite-- then enjoy having your life changed forever!
Suggestion: Wash your sandwich down with a Jupina, a pineapple soda. It's THE best combination you could ever find!
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Name-Calling
As a kid and then a teenager, I was quite the young feminist (at least, in my own mind). I firmly believed that women who stayed at home were either lazy or untalented. I believed that if you didn't have a good career, you were obviously a defective human being. I believed that as long as I made a name for myself in the corporate realm, the husband and kids would be a nice addition, but I'd be fine on my own if that never worked out.
Recently, though, I have started to change my feelings and attitudes about who I am and who I am okay with being. Two years ago if I thought I might have to one day become a homemaker, I would probably have ended up questioning who I was as a person and wondering where I'd gone wrong. If I didn't have my career, I would have felt like I was a worthless person contributing nothing to the world. But today, I feel like who I am stays the same regardless of my job description.
I want to be a wife and a mother. I want to be a crazy cat lady (too bad Eric is allergic or that dream would have already been realized). I want to be very good at my job. I want to be seen as a smart, resourceful woman. I want to be seen as a sexy woman. I want to be a tough tomboy. I want to be fit and healthy, and I want to sit around and be lazy. I want my career to be important and something that I'm proud of, and I want to know that my family is my priority.
I want to be a lot of things, a lot of best versions of myself. And the thing is, there is no one way to classify all of that into one identity. I have gotten to a place in my life where I am tired of trying to describe my identity in one or two words because, let's face it-- people are more complicated than that. A person's selfhood is ineffable, and to try to articulate who I am would be to immediately leave out a part of myself.
Today I am officially letting go of the ideas I had about what it meant for me to be the person I imagined, and I am taking hold of the fact that I am a complex, unique, and multifaceted woman. I don't mind having a great career, and I don't mind one day being a mother and a wife. As long as it's all my choice, and as long as I can go to sleep at night feeling happy and fulfilled, you can call me whatever you want.
But don't call me "Surely"...
Recently, though, I have started to change my feelings and attitudes about who I am and who I am okay with being. Two years ago if I thought I might have to one day become a homemaker, I would probably have ended up questioning who I was as a person and wondering where I'd gone wrong. If I didn't have my career, I would have felt like I was a worthless person contributing nothing to the world. But today, I feel like who I am stays the same regardless of my job description.
I want to be a wife and a mother. I want to be a crazy cat lady (too bad Eric is allergic or that dream would have already been realized). I want to be very good at my job. I want to be seen as a smart, resourceful woman. I want to be seen as a sexy woman. I want to be a tough tomboy. I want to be fit and healthy, and I want to sit around and be lazy. I want my career to be important and something that I'm proud of, and I want to know that my family is my priority.
I want to be a lot of things, a lot of best versions of myself. And the thing is, there is no one way to classify all of that into one identity. I have gotten to a place in my life where I am tired of trying to describe my identity in one or two words because, let's face it-- people are more complicated than that. A person's selfhood is ineffable, and to try to articulate who I am would be to immediately leave out a part of myself.
Today I am officially letting go of the ideas I had about what it meant for me to be the person I imagined, and I am taking hold of the fact that I am a complex, unique, and multifaceted woman. I don't mind having a great career, and I don't mind one day being a mother and a wife. As long as it's all my choice, and as long as I can go to sleep at night feeling happy and fulfilled, you can call me whatever you want.
But don't call me "Surely"...
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Sunrise Vase
The other day I got a little adventurous with my hot glue gun and decided to make a few things for the apartment. I don't have many vases. In fact, I only have one, and there are times when it just doesn't work for the flowers I have.
So I decided to get creative and make a couple of new ones so that I'd have more options. I made these with individual-serving size wine bottles.
What you'll need to make one yourself are the following items:
a hot glue gun
an empty wine bottle (small or large)
yarn or twine in your color of choice
The method is simple:
Start at the bottom of the vase and use one bead of glue to secure the end of the yarn/twine. Continue to use beads of glue and wrap the bottle from the bottom to the top. You can switch out colors like I did or do it all in a solid color. Just be sure to use extra glue at the ends of your strings to prevent fraying.
I recommend using hot glue instead of regular glue so that when you wash your vases the yarn doesn't come off.
Enjoy!
So I decided to get creative and make a couple of new ones so that I'd have more options. I made these with individual-serving size wine bottles.
What you'll need to make one yourself are the following items:
a hot glue gun
an empty wine bottle (small or large)
yarn or twine in your color of choice
The method is simple:
Start at the bottom of the vase and use one bead of glue to secure the end of the yarn/twine. Continue to use beads of glue and wrap the bottle from the bottom to the top. You can switch out colors like I did or do it all in a solid color. Just be sure to use extra glue at the ends of your strings to prevent fraying.
I recommend using hot glue instead of regular glue so that when you wash your vases the yarn doesn't come off.
Enjoy!
Monday, June 4, 2012
A Little Bit of Chicken-Fried
Tomorrow morning Eric leaves to head
over to Hawaii for his new job! It's exciting, I know. We have
stocked up on Sunscreen and already promised to use FaceTime on a daily basis. To celebrate his new job and to make sure
that he has at least one proper meal to last him for the next several
days, we made chicken-fried steak for dinner and finished up with
strawberry shortcake.
We are celebrating the new job with fat
and cholesterol some
delicious food. It's going to be an extremely difficult transition
and seeing him for only one day a week is going to be so tough, but
I'm really excited for this new phase in his career! Plus, if we have
to put up with scant visits, at least I know that he'll be somewhere
beautiful, and we'll both be working like crazy. At this point, I'm
ready for the time to fly by in between visits.
Anyhow,
I wanted to share this recipe with you. It has taken me many
different tries to
finally find
a recipe that was delicious, simple, and didn't fall apart in the
pan. Be warned-- you will probably gain 2 pounds just looking at the
ingredients, but you'll also die having lived a fulfilled life.
For
this recipe you'll need:
Cubed
steak (enough for every person)
1
½ cups flour
1
tsp seasoning of your choice
½
cup crushed buttery crackers
1
egg
1
cup milk
vegetable
oil
First,
pour enough oil into a wide skillet to come up about 1 inch in depth.
As it starts to heat up, set out two bowls or plates. In the first
one, combine your egg and the milk for dipping the steaks. In the
second, combine the flour, seasonings and crushed crackers.
(If
you want, cut your steaks into smaller portions before starting to
bread.)
Start
by dipping your steaks in your egg wash, then covering in the flour
mixture. Then, dip AGAIN, and bread again. Then place the steak in
the oil and watch it start to sizzle and fry! Repeat with your
steaks, making sure NOT to crowd the skillet.
Also, be ready for a messy kitchen. We
did our steaks in batches of two or three.
Let
them sizzle and cook until the breading is golden-brown, about 4-5
minutes on each side. Set them on a paper-towel to dry.
We
also used a store-bought packet of country gravy mix (I'm good, but I
haven't mastered homemade gravy yet) to go with our steaks, as well
as some mac 'n' cheese and fresh broccoli.
Last,
we rounded out our meal with a big ol' glass of red wine! I hear it's
good for ya. I didn't check my sources, but I'm pretty comfortable
with this conclusion.
It
was such a great night, and this down-home comfort food was good for
our taste buds and good for our souls. It's going to be a tough
summer. Sometimes I'm not sure how I'm going to get through it. But I do know that I'm going through it with my very best friend, a man who has completely stolen my heart. And when I remember that, I know that everything is going to be okay.
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